Thursday, July 21, 2011

What Would Hans Backe Do?

Your All-Star Manager
That's right ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's time for everyone's favorite football mismanagement quiz show - What Would Hans Backe Do?! The player with the most correct answers wins a prize pack that includes a dozen lame excuses, a lifetime membership to Substitutes Anonymous and gently used inflatable Mehdi Ballouchy doll. With no futher ado, let's get on to the questions:

1. Your goalkeeping situation is a mess. You have an athletic shot-stopper prone to major gaffes, a mediocre Canadian with all the mobility of Steven Hawking and an untested kid. Do you:

A) Look for an affordable American keeper who won't require an international slot.
B) Bring in an experienced international keeper and cut some of the dead weight on your roster to make room for him.
C) Sign a 38-year old German who hasn't played in months to a designated player contract, then trade away one of your few promising bench players to your most hated rival for six months of an international slot. Oh, and throw him in at the deep end after a training session or two.

2. You have a number of older players and are playing three games in a week in the middle of July, including one at altitude and another in blazing heat. Do you:

A) Plan to make judicious use of your substitutes, understanding that players will have heavy legs if forced to play a full 90 in each match.
B) Rotate a few reserves into the squad and hope that there's enough talent on the pitch to get the required results.
C) Run your first choice XI into the ground, refuse to use subs until very late in games and pray for no injuries.

3. It's a Wednesday night. You're losing 3-0 at half time in Colorado with another match at home on Saturday against a difficult opponent. Your players look dead on their feet. Do you:

A) Tear into them at halftime and make wholesale substitutions to send a message.
B) Throw on a third striker and go hell bent for leather.
C) Let your team run itself ragged at high altitude and hope that they can at least make the scoreline respectable.

4. Your midfielders can't hold the ball, your defenders stand like statues as speedy attackers streak by and there is no movement up front. Do you:

A) Accept responsibility and admit that you need a tactical re-think.
B) Pull players off to the side and berate the shit out them on the touchline.
C) Remain rooted to the bench and express puzzlement in postgame interviews.

5. You've won just twice in 15 games and now have been beaten convincingly at home by FC Dallas, in front of an angry crowd. Do you:

A) Start preparing for the Emirates Cup and hope that a trip to London will be just what the doctor ordered.
B) Shrug it off and focus on the important stuff, like the MLS All-Star lineup.
C) Tender your resignation and admit you don't have a clue.

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How did you score? If you got all of the answers correct, you may just have what it takes to be the next New York Red Bulls manager! Send your resume c/o Erik Solér, Red Bull Arena, Harrison, NJ. While you're at it, send a copy to MLS headquarters. You never know - Don Garber may like the cut of your jib.
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